


Drowning In My Existance, Yet I Feel No Pain

by larry_luvvv



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bullied Louis, Bully Harry, Child Abuse, Depressed Louis, Harry is kind of a dick, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mean Harry, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Sad Louis, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-02
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-03-10 03:48:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3275531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larry_luvvv/pseuds/larry_luvvv
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis is depressed. Harry is a dick. They go to Paris.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First chaptered fanfic! Enjoy!

Louis Tomlinson hated Harry Styles. Everyone in the school new that. Harry would constantly shove Louis in the hallways at school, throw food at him during lunch, call him rude names. The list goes on and on. What started this you may ask? Well, freshman year Louis moved to Cheshire after what he liked to call his “past” and enrolled into Cheshire High School in the middle of the year. Halfway through his first day he ran into Harry. Like literally ran into him and they both fell over.

“Watch where you’re going moron,” Harry had said, standing up. Louis mumbled out a quick “sorry” before raising to his feet and trying to scurry away but Harry grabbed him by his arm shoving him to the floor. Louis gasped in pain as he landed on his knee.

“Idiot,” Louis let slip passed his lips as Harry walked away laughing with his friends. Ever since then they have hated each other and unfortunately, this year, they both shared their first period together and Louis hated it because Harry also sat next to him. At the beginning pf the year Louis begged to switch classes, but since he didn’t have a legitimate reason they didn’t allow him to. So now he’s stuck with the annoying boy as his seat partner.

Louis was sitting at his desk reading a book when a body sat down in the desk next to him. Louis sighed but didn’t look up at the taller boy next to him.

“Hey faggot,” Harry said from his seat. Louis ignored him because he didn’t want to start anything in the classroom. Louis just continued reading his book and waiting for class to start “You know, typically when someone says hi you say hi back” Harry said sarcastically.

“Shut up Harry, I don’t want to talk to you right now” Louis said back still not looking up from his book. 

“I don’t really care what you want, faggot” That was Harry’s favorite name for Louis. In their freshman year, Louis came out and Harry just saw it as another reason to make fun of Louis. 

Louis rolled his eyes and a couple seconds later the bell rings signaling the start of class. He listens to the teacher drag on and on about something he is hardly paying attention to when he feels a hand on his knee. He looks over at Harry who is still looking at the teacher, but Louis can see the slight smirk on his face. His hand travels up his thigh and Louis goes to push it off.

“Fuck off Harry,” Louis mumbles looking back at the teacher. Harry chuckles and doesn’t remove his hand.

“But you’re a little gay boy. You’re supposed to like this,” Harry said. Louis rolled his eyes.

“I don’t want you touching me, “Louis said quietly, “So keep your fucking hands off of me” 

“Alright, jeez,” Harry said putting his hands up in defense, “Little faggot boy doesn’t want to be touched”

“You’re an idiot, Harry,” Louis says it like it doesn’t bother him when Harry calls him these name when in reality the razor he uses on his skin every night proves him to be wrong, but that’s a story for later. They don’t talk for the rest of the period and when the bell rings Louis gets out of that class as quick as he can. 

Harry has always wondered what was up with Louis. He could take the name calling and still be okay, even though Harry could see the happy light in his eyes fades away with every word he says more each day, but as soon as Harry touches him in any way Louis freaks out. It’s always been like that. Harry doesn’t know why he doesn’t like Louis. Maybe it was because of how much of a prick he is, or how much confidence he has, or how pretty he is. Wait no. Not pretty, he meant stupid. How stupid he is. And a slut. He’s a slut also. 

Harry spent his whole next class thinking about Louis. He really wanted to figure the kid who he’s been teasing, not bullying, out. He doesn’t know why he’s so curious about Louis’ life but he just is. It’s not because he cares. No definitely not. 

Back to Louis, he was in his last class at the moment. This was his second least favorite class, after his class with Harry, it was history. Louis hardly paid any attention in the class. When the bell rang and school was over Louis walked out of his class. He tried to be quick to his car in order to avoid Harry. Just as he was almost out to the parking lot, thinking he was going to make it, he heard a familiar voice behind him.

“Hey bitch!” Harry yelled. Louis winced and ignored him to continue walking. Suddenly his body was pressed up against a locker and a pain was shooting down his back. Harry’s breath was ghosting over his face. 

“Don’t ignore me you cunt,” Harry said to Louis.

“Fuck. You.” Louis said back. Harry chuckled before he threw Louis to the floor. Louis yelped.

“Talk like that to me again and I will end you,” Harry spat.

“Is that threat?” Louis asked sarcastically before standing up. Harry turned back towards him, looking about ready to pounce. Louis sprinted to his car before Harry would see the tears that were threatening to fall and hurt him even more.

Once Louis got home and secured in his room he let the tears fall. His whole body was itching to grab the sharp piece of metal hiding away in his bathroom but he tried to hold back. The words were running through his head. Many words said to him, about him by many people in his lifetime.

Stupid.

Worthless.

Mistake.

Fat.

Slut.

Waste of Space.

Faggot.

The sad part was, was that he believed everything anyone said to him. He was a stupid, faggot, waste of space. Nobody liked him and he had no purpose being here. He wishes his father would have just killed him. Wished his mom didn’t walk into the room to stop his father’s brutal fist. Louis couldn’t take it anymore. He stood up and walked to the bathroom. He grabbed his razor that’s hidden in his drawer behind his toothpaste and lifted up his sleeve, revealing previous scars, angling it at the skin on his wrist. He closed his eyes and dragged the razor down over the other healing scars. He opened his eyes, tears dripping down his cheeks, and watched the blood trickle down his arm. He held his arm over the sink so that he wouldn’t make a mess. When the sting went away he placed the razor back at his arm and repeating the actions. He continues this a couple more times before cleaning his arm and the razor off and putting it away. 

Louis wasn’t crying anymore when he got back into his room, but it was obvious that he had been crying. He made sure the sleeves on his sweater were down past his hands before curling up on his bed and quickly falling asleep.

Louis awoke abruptly to someone shaking him. He was sweating and breathing deeply. He had a nightmare again. Hands grabbing him, pain everywhere. He stared up at the person who shook him awake. It was his mom. It was then that Louis noticed that he had tears in his eyes.

“You were screaming sweetie,” His mom said, “You’re having them again aren’t you?” Louis just nodded before he started crying in his mother’s arms. He’s been having nightmares ever since he could remember. His mom never knew why he had them until only a couple months ago, though.

“Shhh, sweet heart. It’s okay. I’m right here baby,” His mother whispered while petting his hair, “Why don’t you come downstairs and get something to eat and then we can watch tonight’s episode of Cupcake Wars?” Only then did Louis realize that he had been sleeping since he got home from school, which was 4 hours ago. Louis nodded to answer his moms question and stood up to follow her to the kitchen where she was making Chicken Alfredo, his favorite.

When they were finished eating, they both headed to the living room to watch their show. Their least favorite got voted off so that made Louis somewhat happier. It was now 9 o’clock and Louis decided to go upstairs to his room. He pulled out his laptop and turned on Netflix. He fell asleep while watching The Breakfast Club.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to update. I got really busy with work plus I had really bad writers block so yeah. but here's an update. It's kind of short but I hope you like it. :)

Chapter 2:  
The next day at school, Louis didn’t really talk. He didn’t have anyone to talk to because he didn’t really have any friends. There were some days when he would get into a funk and he couldn’t get out of it. In his first period Harry tried to talk to him but when Louis didn’t answer and only rested his head in his arms he gave up trying. Louis drove home from school in silence and ate dinner in silence and, then, went to bed in silence.

The next day Louis was feeling better. He said a quick good morning to his mother and then, after getting ready, headed out the door for school. Louis was actually in a good mood. The weather was good, the radio was playing good music, and didn’t have any nightmares last night.

All was well. That is, until he got to first period. On the board was written ‘CLASS TRIP TO PARIS: NEXT WEEK’. Louis was pretty excited he had never been to Paris before, but then the teacher started talking, “As you all see on the board we are going to be traveling as a class to Paris. You will be rooming with the person sitting next to you. There will be no exceptions. We will be leaving on Monday at 8 am sharp,sp none of you better be late”

Louis almost started crying then and there in front of the whole class. He looked over at Harry who was smirking at him. Louis grimaced and flipped him off before laying his head down on the desk. There is no way I am going to survive this trip. Louis thought. He sighed into his arms then lifted his head back up. I could go talk to the teacher…But she said no exceptions. God this is so stupid.

“This trip is mandatory because we will be taking a test on the things we learned when we get back. This will be a major part of your grade no exception” Well, there goes my chances of skipping it. Stupid fucking teacher.

The teacher then droned on and on about what they were going to be doing on the trip but all Louis could think about was hoe horrible it was going to be to room with the dumbass sitting next to him. When the bell rang Louis packed up his things and stood up.

“I can’t wait to room with you, faggot. We’re gonna have so much fun,” Harry said before walking away. Louis stared after Harry with shock written all over his face. Who does he fucking think he is? Louis thought as he rolled his eyes. He was not going on this trip.

He had to go on the trip. He tried to talk to the teacher but when she asked for a reason why he couldn’t go and he figured saying “Oh, I just hate Harry Styles so much and I can’t room with him” just wouldn’t cut it. So he said “Never mind Mrs. Teacher. I’ll just go on this useless trip” Well, he didn’t actually say it like that but whatever. Louis went of the rest of the day annoyed thanks to his first period. He got shoved to the ground by Harry once during lunch, but he only stood up and walked away hearing the tall boy shout, “Faggot!” behind his back. He just rolled his eyes.

After the day was over he went home and to his room to do his homework. He couldn’t stop thinking about what was going to happen on this trip. Harry could do anything and that scared him more than anything.

After his homework, he took a shower, where he made a few more lines on his skin, then changed into pajamas so he could go downstairs and make dinner for when his mom came home. When dinner was done he sat on the couch waiting for his mom to come home.

He didn’t realize that he had fallen asleep until he heard the door to the house open and his mothers’ voice calling out his name.

“In here mom,” She walked into the living room sitting on the couch with him rubbing his back, “I made dinner”

“I can smell it,” She said smiled at him. He smiled back and they stood up to go to the dining room and eat. After dinner, Louis took his dish to the sink. His mom followed him to the sink.

“You wanna come watch T.V., Hun?” His mom asked.

“Nah, I think I’m just going to go to bed,” Louis said.

“Okay, goodnight sweetheart, I love you”

“Love you too, mum,” Louis said kissing her cheek before walking to his room. Truth was Louis wasn’t tired. He laid in bed for about an hour before the thoughts and memories rushed to his mind.

_“Little slut loves this doesn’t he?” Louis shook his head, tears running down his cheeks._

_“Be a good boy for Daddy,” the rough voice said wrapping his hand around Louis’ neck, cutting off his air supply. Louis was panicking. He felt like he was going to die. He was openly sobbing as the person he had trusted his whole life moved in and out of his unwilling, unprepared body._

Louis snapped out of his thoughts and noticed that he was crying. He stood up and walked to the bathroom to take a shower as he was getting undressed he saw his razor sitting on the counter. He picked it up and held it in front of his face. He looked in the mirror at his disgusting body, his fat stomach, his thick thighs, the scars and fresh cuts that litter his arms and legs. He quickly climbs into the shower, taking the blade with him.

The next morning Louis woke up with a start. He was already running late for school. He quickly got dressed in his usual long sleeve shirt and jeans. He pulled a beanie on his head to cover his messy bed hair and then darted out the door. He got to school five minutes before his first class started so he tried to rush there to make it on time. He made it to his seat right as the bell rang and the teacher started. Harry came in late to class as always.

"Hey Fag" Harry said. Louis rolled his eyes. He could care less about what Harry had to say, "Answer me, fucker"

"Why should I?" Louis said back.

"Because if you don't, I'll beat the shit out of you"

"You're going to beat the shit out of me anyway, so what does it matter?"

"Where did you get the idea that you could talk to me like that faggot?"

"I can talk to you however I want. You're not the boss of me" Louis knew that he should probably shut up now or g\he would get beat up worse, but for some reason he just couldn't stop.

"You're gonna fucking get it after class" Harry seethed. Louis gulped but tried not to look too scared although he was absolutely terrified. I didn't say anything after that and neither did he, but I could tell that he was angry'

After class got out Louis tried to get out of class fast so Harry couldn't catch him but he only made it about 5 feet out the door before he was pulled away from the crowd and pushed into the boy's bathroom. Harry shoved him to the floor and Louis landed on his wrist in the wrong way. He squirmed to get away but Harry grabbed him by the ankle and pulled him over to him and landed a solid punch to his face.

"Maybe that'll teach you how to properly talk to me" Harry said while punching Louis in the stomach. Louis cried out in pain, tears falling down his face, "Don't fucking cry, you deserve this for being a faggot"

"Please stop" Louis begged, but it didn't work. Harry kept hitting him until another student walked into the bathroom. Harry told the student to go away and say nothing of what he saw or he'll be in the same position as Louis. Eventually Harry stopped the abuse and walked out of the bathroom, leaving Louis laying there in pain.


End file.
